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America’s Douchiest Colleges (with Marquette addition)

August 29, 2009

GQ came out with a list of of the 25 Douchiest Colleges in America. In the list were notably U of Chicago and Duke. Apparently if Tucker Max went to your school, it’s douchy. Other Schools on the list include: U of Colorado Boulder, University of Phoenix Morehouse and Vasser
Well of course I took some gentle ribbing from my friends about Marquette not being on the list. I countered that A) if MU was on the list, Madison would be at the top of the list and b) GQ probably didn’t know if the school my friends went to was real or not. However, since I can make and take jokes about my alma mater (because I really and truly love the time spent there) I thought I would do the GQ write up for Marquette if it was a finalist for Douchiest College.

Home of: “The Wannabe Douche”

Affectations: Sweater Vests, Ikea Furniture, your dads BWM/Audi that he gave you when he got a new car

A peek inside: The campus is 8 blocks long and 4 blocks wide. You go 3 blocks north or west of campus YOU WILL BE SHOT. The school is in the fucking ghetto!

Overheard in the bleachers: “Hey the starting 5 are all in my Communications course!”

Overheard on Saturday Mornings (I made this category): “Hey what time is the Notre Dame game on?”

In ten years, will be: Overworked PR/Advertising girl that no one listens to.

Favorite pickup technique: “Want to go to a Notre Dame game with me? My dad went there and sill has season tickets that he’ll let us use.”

Most popular major: “Jesuit Self Righteousness, with a double in being a prude”

Overheard at freshman orientation: “Whats a sorority/Fraternity? MU doesn’t have any of those.”

Typical Saturday evening: Since downtown is too far away, and the bouncers at all three MU bars know you have a fake, you drink in your room, and hook up with a guy. But you have be done before 2am when curfew is in affect and you don’t want to get written up by an RA

Core belief: “We don’t apologize for being Jesuit/Catholic yet, so we’re better than Georgetown”

Most likely to: live at home while paying off tuition and working in a faceless office building in downtown Chicago

Thesis topic: “Do you know who my Father is?”

Honorable-mention “Wanna be” institutions: Carroll University, Marian University, St. Norbert’s, Beloit College

Alumni: Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade, Dwyane Wade

Profiles in studentia: Sara Cass* Oak Park, Il, “I applied to Boston College, Georgetown, Notre Dame and Northwestern, I didn’t get into there so I ended up having to go to Marquette. At least I can go home on weekends and party in Chicago.”

Douche school was named after: Jacques Marquette, explorer of otherwise uninhabitable territory.

Problem with douchey founder: There is a statue on campus that looks of him that looks exactly like Captain Morgan. But he looks nothing like Captain Morgan.

* there is no Sara Cass

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